No Sex In The Champagne Room{Uncensored}

An Update on My Update, Rant Style

We now officially have a handful of girls from the 'dirtier' clubs working at the club where I work. It really honestly only takes one girl giving $20 hand jobs to fuck with the system, but a bunch of nasty girls doing god knows what for next to nothing is really really messing with things. Customers have been much grabbier and much less likely to respect dancer's personal boundaries. Twice in the last week I've had a customer attempt to unbutton his pants during a dance. I now feel that it's important to mention that there is NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM when they ask how much the rooms cost. They've been asking upfront how much I charge for 'you know'…No, I don't know. What exactly is it you're looking for in a STRIP CLUB that is not a LAP DANCE? It used to not be much of a problem; after hearing several girls let them know that we don't do that sort of thing, they'd leave or at the very least stop asking. Now they ask ME because some dirty girl offered, but they didn't want the dirty one, they want the one who looks clean. Well yes, obviously we're all whores.

Don't get me wrong, I love whores! I've got some great whore friends, but they don't work out of a strip club. They conduct their business in a way that doesn't negatively affect MY business. What I don't get is why these girls are even bothering with working in a strip club? If you're comfortable with hand jobs, why not work as an independent provider or at a massage parlor perhaps? We have to pay a pretty high house fee to work there, so why not circumvent that and stop fucking with all of the other non-hand-job-giving dancers business?? In short, fuck off. Seriously.

End rant.

Long awaited update…

Wow, a lot has been going on in the Seattle strip club scene.

Here's the bullet version:

• The Company I'm contracted with has opened up yet another club more toward where our stadiums are, I'm assuming to catch the game crowds. As a result, about a third of the girls who I worked with are now working at the new club instead; they also relocated half our staff (bouncers, DJ's, and managers) to the new club. Consequently we have a new general manager, a new relief manager, a new floor manager, a new DJ, and a couple new bouncers. Change is good, but this royally fucked up the flow of the club. Our managers are both trying to prove themselves worthy to who-the-fuck ever, our main DJ is seriously overworked, our floor manager is green (though awesome), and our bouncers are a bit edgy. Christ it feels like a mess in there. It'll mellow out eventually, but I can tell it's going to be a bumpy road.
  
• Three of the other clubs in the area have recently closed (due to the owners being retards with the law). Surprisingly this hasn't affected the club that I work in nearly as much as I had assumed it would. These three clubs were notorious for being a bit dirtier than desired so I think we were all expected to be inundated with 'dirty girls'. Fortunately, however, that's not been the case…yet. They've only been closed a few days, so we'll see. We have however been getting those club's ex patrons. Those are fun. I've literally been asked what my "mileage" is. Ew.
  
• Additionally another local infamous adult establishment, a peepshow, will be closing in the next month. No idea what that might do to the industry climate, but I guess we'll see.
  
• What else….let's see…oh here's another thing: everybody is fucking pissed at someone. It's like everybody has a problem with somebody right now…or maybe I was just blissfully unaware before… Whichever is the case, it sure is stressful keeping straight who has a beef with who because I talk to everybody. It like when two of your friends in your close friend group are fighting….except it's like everybody. It's entirely maddening.
  
• Lastly, I have a huge crush on my hot (female) boss. I'm attempting to ignore this one for now.
  

So yeah, more clubs, less clubs, bullshit, and crush. That's all for now.

I Call Shenanigans!

There are many words I've used to describe this industry in the past: fun, depressing, sexy, annoying, therapeutic, and destructive; but this evening it was just downright dramatic!

I'm pretty sure there wasn't a full moon, but I really can't think of an explanation for all of these dramatic shenanigans. This evening we had a dancer sent home because she missed her stage, and though this in itself isn't so dramatic, the 'conversation' that took place between our indiscreet manager and said dancer was indeed unnecessarily dramatic. There was a fight between one of our dancers and the DJ over what-the-fuck-ever (insert non-important completely ridiculous and unnecessary details of fight here). Then we had the same tactless manager get into it with one of the other girls about, again, who-knows-what. We had a girl (and when I say 'girl' here, I mean self-centric, nonfunctional, rude twat of a person) completely overmedicate and get stupid with a customer which quickly led to this 'girl' getting stupid with one of our nicest bouncers after she punched said customer in the face. MDMA + Alcohol = Severe Retardation.

Um…What, the, fuck!?

I know times are tough; everybody's stressed out over money. Egos are damaged and people are defensive. The girls aren't making much so therefore our bouncers and DJs, who mainly work for tips, aren't making money and everybody's freaking the fuck out! It just sort of feels like the club has gotten too small for this amount of people carrying around this much stress.

Unfortunately not much can be done about it. I try to offer some sort of reasonable interpretation when it feels right in each of the given situations, but other than that all I can do is stay the fuck out of the way.

Take a chill pill people!

“It’s a stripper thing.”

I find that when I’m with my non- stripper friends I do and say quite a few things that seem strange to them. My immediate justification for my action is always “It’s a stripper thing”. So here’s a list of stripper things…because I find it amusing:

• · Roller-bags…I don’t personally go for the full-on roller luggage, but many do and it is so a stripper thing.
• · Juicy Suits. I have no idea why these sweat suits are so big with strippers; I suppose they’re comfy. If you see a young chick walking down the street in a bright Juicy Suit dragging a roller bag behind her; stripper.
• · Cutting tags out of under garments. Always cut the tags out! It’s so tacky to leave them in.
• · Baby wipes. Holy crap strippers love their baby wipes. I buy mine at Costco, seriously.
• · Perpetually bruised knees. Maybe it’s my diet, maybe I’m lacking in some important nutrient that my body needs to prevent bruises, or maybe I’m just really white, but I ALWAYS have bruised up knees.
• · Involuntary ass jiggling. Yup. All the time. Specifically waiting in line at the grocery store.
• · Being overly comfortable talking openly about sexual stuff. We go out into the sunny real world and have to censor the crap out of ourselves.
• · Strippers are so tactile and gropey. Granted we’re a pretty close-knit bunch, but I’m pretty sure non-stripper groups of girlfriends don’t feel each other up as much as we do. For example, I was standing in line at the end of the evening to pay my rent with a bunch of other girls and one of them suddenly exclaimed that the girl in front of hers lips were so soft! She grabbed my hand and shoved it between Miss Soft Lip’s legs, to which I agreed that she had baby-soft lips. I don’t think that’s normal or a bunch of mostly-straight women. I could be wrong, but if it were normal, I don’t think we’d ever have wars, hatred, or bigotry.

“Captain Save-A-Ho”

Here's another interesting term for you: "Captain Save-A-Ho"

The actual term might be club-specific, but I believe that every stripper knows what this means.

Captain Save-A-Ho is the gentleman that comes into the strip club toward the end of the evening and drops over $200 on one dancer. He's her Captain!

When work is slow and you've all but given up on the evening and you get a Captain Save-A-Ho, it's a major confidence boost, not to mention excellent to have made something out of your evening. It's even better when you've made decent money that evening and then you make another chunk of cash right before the evening ends.

So they you go kids, Captain Save-A-Ho to save the day!

Stereotyping

As with any job, there are negative side effects that an employee may suffer due to something job related. With stripping, unfortunately there are more than a handful, many of which I'm sure I'll detail in a list someday, but there's one that's almost always on my mind as I run into it every night that I work: racial prejudice. I'm not talking about the consumers here; having a preference or 'type' of girl that you'd most prefer having a dance from is pretty standard. I'm talking about the dancers, myself included.

I came into the stripping industry holding certain views of different races based off of stereotypes and personal experiences, but those views were nothing compared to how I immediately stereotype people now, after working as a dancer for years. I consider myself to be a rather open-minded person; I wouldn't like someone holding opinions about me based solely on my appearance (though that may be a silly ideal considering stripping is almost exactly that), and I would prefer not to think anything about anybody until I've had time to get to know them. Though after dancing for three years, I can definitely say that open-mindedness really does stop when I arrive at work and almost always¹ starts back up again once I leave.

When you talk with upwards of 50 people an evening, and nearly all of them fall into certain stereotypes, it's hard not to expect them. For instance, it's a pretty normal thing to say 'hello' to an Asian customer and have them wave their hand in your face. Obviously, yes, this could be a cultural barrier issue, but it's not. Our culture interprets that as rude and so does the Asian culture, in fact even more so. So why is there a small man's hand in my face when all I have done is greet him with a smile? Um, they think we're all whores. Yeah. It sucks, but in many Asian countries an establishment such as a strip-club symbolizes prostitution. Asian men don't give respect to women who don't give respect to themselves, so I get a hand in my face. This happens so often that it's flat out expected when you see someone who you think is native to an Asian area. As a result, I personally avoid them like the plague.

Another example of a stereotype that I myself target is middle-aged Caucasian men. I won't divulge all of my stripper secrets here, but simply put: they almost always work the same and want the same thing, and I know how to hustle 'em.

Young guys of all shapes and sizes tend to fit into one group, and for me, one very annoying group. They either have egos the size of something rather large and throbbing* ("Look at all of these hot chicks hitting on me! I must be the shizzle!! Fo' realz mutha-fucka!") or they have a vendetta against pretty girls because they've been turned down one too many times at a bar ("I have issues. I should be working this out with a professional therapist, but I have decided instead to take all of my emotional shit out on what I think is a professional punching bag.") Or, my personal favorite: a slight case of turrets syndrome resulting from nervousness ("Oh snap, a pretty girl. What should I….ho bitch cock-sucker mother-fucker tea-bagging titty-fuck extravaganza!"). I'm no professional anything here, but I'd say that this sort of behavior comes from an overall lack of confidence that seems to thrive among the young people. Take this† and call me in the morning ass-hats.

Another group that I tend to avoid are the 'home-boy' types. This isn't so much a racial thing as home-boy's come in all colors, but it certainly is a stereotype recognized by strippers the world over. This is that group of guys that wears baggy pants that they let sag down to their knees, way too much bling, and an attitude that tends to match their slumping posture. They're too cool to care and if you don't acknowledge their obvious coolness, you will be shunned and rudely so.

Here's a racial one for you: Mexicans. This is one stereotype that Mexicans rarely deviate from. They all tend to try to get "two-for-one's" or "two-for-$30's" (when we charge $20 per dance). They all understand the word 'no', but don't acknowledge it when it's applied as a "don't fucking touch that again" sort of rule. Oh, and for some reason, they try to hump you like a Chihuahua might. Simulating sex movements, is sort of part of the lap-dance gig, but I've gotta tell ya, if you were humping me like that during sex, I would react exactly the same is if you really were a small dog humping my leg: "Ew, what the fuck are you doing?! Get off of me!!"

That guy wearing the work-out shorts: Seriously, we know you're not on your way to or from the gym…did you really think we were dumb enough to not see that yes those nylon pants are exceptionally thin? These guys gross me out, seriously. And yes, unfortunately it is a frequently spotted 'type' of guy.

Couples are either awesome or terrifying and it depends entirely on the female half. Type one: the woman is genuinely excited, at least a little bisexual, and sincerely enjoying herself. These couples are always fun to talk to and dance for because you get to interact with their own sexy energy. And then there's type two: the woman is incredibly uncomfortable, just there to prove something/impress her man, and is highly negatively critical of the dancers. Jealousy also plays a huge role in type two and if you're that woman, I promise honey, we don't want to steal your man; it's our job to flirt. These women are usually wearing a huge sign that says "back off bitches" and are thankfully easy to spot and avoid (unfortunately their male counterparts are frequently left mystified as to why no dancers will talk to them).

And last (for now at least) are groups. Groups, made up of any number of types/ages of people, are surprisingly almost always the same. For me, groups are difficult for a couple of reasons. Number one, because people don't seem to take you as seriously when they think they can fork you off on a less confident member of their group ("Oh I don't want a dance, but my quiet friend here might.") Number two; they carry with them an energy, a kind of confidence bubble that follows them due to constant familiarity with their pack. Additionally all of their different personalities seem to mesh into one, the one of the most dominant member of their group. The whole point of the hustling portion of the job is to quickly connect with and appeal to a person and then sell your personality based on assumed compatibility⁷. I can't tell you how difficult this is to do when they're all the same and they're all overly cocky.

In all of these cases, there are exceptions to the rule. When I encounter them, I'm usually rather confused, taken aback, and caught off my game. There's stumbling, the occasional stutter and a mental reset: "Hm, maybe they're not all so damn predictable." ….but then I talk to the next guy and we're back at square one.

Regrettably racial stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. I'd like to think I've come to terms with this in a positive way and am using this knowledge to read people better. However I can fairly say that I do limit myself due to the mental roadblocks I have against certain races and types. It's kind of a tricky balance: avoid the person who appears to fit the annoying stereotype and save myself some grief, or go for it and hope he's the rare exception to the rule and that he's entirely tired of lugging around that large wad of money?

___________________________________________________________________

¹ Sometimes it sticks and I have to mentally snap myself out of it in order to not apply these stereotypes to all of humanity out here in the 'real world'.

* Sorry folks, I've had a sexually frustrating evening.

† A large dose of self-confidence and self-worth delivered via rectal suppository

⁷ Does that make sense? I have no idea. I'm tired.